“The internet is a wonderful place. The ability to retrieve information on any subject, or communicate with anybody around the world, it’s a significant step to world peace, and the evolution of the human race. And then you got these assholes, who gotta be like ‘I’m gonna shit all over this precious gift to mankind. Oh yeah, the answers are out there, but you gonna have to dig through this colossal pile of shit to get at them!’ Thank you for ruining the internet…” – Psychostick “You’ve Got Male Enhancement”
Analysis by Kyle A. Lohmeier
While the above ditty by the under-appreciated Humorcore virtuosos Psychostick was written about spam emails, I’d say it applies to the steaming pile of digital scat I ran across this morning before being properly caffeinated; thereby giving myself quite a startle.
Something called The Boston Tribune, which isn’t anything like as legit-sounding as the name implies; ran a headline screaming that 23 states had agreed to a total ban on hollow point ammunition. Crazier still, these hacks managed to get their rag into the top ten of any google search result for keywords relevant to the story, and for searches on the name of the non-existent Maine congressman quoted in it. This is the same shit rag, and / or its parent company, that has run hoax stories in the past about a full, 50-state ban on concealed carry and on a dead baby being found in a Walmart discount DVD bin.
Sitting, as I was, upon my porcelain perch this morning, scrolling through my news app and without having had any coffee yet, the story struck me as legit. So much so I was prepared to make it the subject of my rant today, until half a cup later I realized I’d been hornswoggled; which pissed me off enough to make said hornswoggling the subject of today’s entry.
I understand satire, hell I love satire. During my newspaper days I know I sent a resume and some samples to The Onion at least once, hoping to land a job there. Way, way back, I used to contribute to a now defunct site called The Texas Mercury (notice a pattern?) and some of my satire pieces there actually got picked up by World Net Daily’s comedy page – back when it was possible to feel good about having any connection to World Nut Daily, before Joe started believing pterodactyls were still around. Anyway, satire serves a distinct and needed purpose. Sometimes the only way to effectively lampoon the absurdity of modern life is to make it yet more absurd via satire; and such absurdity can sometimes be enough to jolt a person into seeing something differently for the first time.
This, however, this drivel being peddled by The Boston Tribune serves no purpose whatsoever. It’s not clever. It’s not funny. It doesn’t make a point by using absurd humor; it doesn’t make a point at all. It’s nothing more than a somewhat-convincingly-written lie, complete with made up facts and fake quotes attributed to a person who doesn’t even exist – Democrat Maine State Representative Jared Holbrook.
I don’t see the point of publishing it other than to stir up gun owners and concealed carriers on one end and anti-gunners on the other; as if both camps don’t already have enough to argue about. I was prepared to bite and launch into a lengthy and likely boring dissertation about kinetic energy, hydrostatic shock waves and the dangers of bullet over-penetration; none of which will be necessary now. You’re welcome.
The problem is, of course, that half a cup of black Maxwell House won’t enable everyone who sees this story to recognize it as bunk. I’m sure it’s been shared on Facebook groups dedicated to both the right and wrong side of the gun control issue already. To what end? It makes little sense to me.
And no, I’m not advocating any sort of censorship, nor am I saying that whoever is spending their own money to spread lies doesn’t have the right to do so. If anything, these sorts of stories by these sorts of websites points to an argument I made in my Theory of Nearly Everything Else; that as a race, we all need to wise up and take a bit more responsibility for our own education and knowledge. There will always be mountebanks in the world. Some will try to sell you something comparatively harmless, like a lie about a new gun law. Some are out to make a buck selling you something pointless, like most herbal remedies. Others are out there to talk you into slipping on the shackles of your own slavery, like Obama and his signature healthcare boondoggle.
Until we as a species get good enough at calling “bullshit” that sites like The Boston Tribune give up and go away, we can expect to continue to be duped by the big lies that government peddles. And those lies tend to be very destructive to life and property and their presentation is a lot more polished and legit-looking than even The Boston Tribune’s website, tagline “News You Can Trust” notwithstanding. Obviously.
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