Foreword: For the purposes of this entry, I’m pretending that there is an actual difference between the Republican and Democrat parties, that the US isn’t just a corporatist oligarchy that hosts a spectacle of illusory choice every four years and that voting actually helps anything. In short, I’m basically writing about professional wrestling as though I’m blissfully unaware it’s all scripted and fake – while, at the end pretending to write like a football beat reporter. It’s a weird day.
As a lifelong fan of the Detroit Lions NFL football team, the phrase “rebuilding year,” is one I am familiar with. For those who follow good football teams, a “rebuilding year” is one where the team doesn’t win many games but instead is looking at what personnel to keep for the future. Of course, sports fans are sports fans, so to the rabid, uncritical die-hard fanboy, it’s never a “rebuilding year,” there’s always hope the team can pull it together, run the table and sneak into a wildcard spot in the playoffs.
Many fans of the professional oligarchy team known as the Republican Party, or GOP, fit that description above of uncritical fanboy – as evidenced by all “Trump / Pence ‘16” stickers and yard signs I see. They have to know on some level that their team’s head coach and quarterback aren’t on the same page and neither is likely to be around by training camp next year, but they still hold out hope, true fans to the end.
The quarterback in this increasingly beleaguered analogy is of course Donald Trump and the head coach is the GOP itself. Spoiler alert, Trump isn’t going to win the election; he was in fact never in any danger of doing so. The reality of it is that from the outset, the 2016 season was going to be a rebuilding year for the GOP. When all 17 candidates gathered on the debate stage more than a year ago now, it was obvious we were looking at a team that was hopeless. The fact that from that motley assortment, Donald Trump is the turd that floated to the top is evidence enough. And then, for weeks the old guard of the GOP did everything it could to torpedo him and nominate anyone else; and when their efforts failed and Trump won the nomination, it was clear the big prize, the presidency, was out of the GOP’s reach.
Hillary’s victory will mark the first time since FDR that the Democratic Party has won three consecutive presidential races, a fact that should alone embarrass the GOP – at least FDR was unduly credited with winning a war and ending the Great Depression, there will never be a sprawling multi-acre Obama or Hildabeast memorial in D.C.
So, given the undeniable evidence that it’s rebuilding time for the GOP, the question is: do they even know this? Yes, they still have their game faces on and are trying to win the election, but on some level they have to be aware that whatever they’ve been doing that led them to the point of having to run non-republican Donald Trump as their candidate must not be working. Lucky for them, I have some suggestions.
Rebuilding years are all about personnel changes, and you can’t bring on new players until the dead weight is cut out of the roster, so that’s where we’ll begin.
Cuts
Evangelical Christians: This guy has been underperforming for years now, likely due to nagging groin injuries and advancing age. He no longer delivers the numbers in either short yardage or goal line situations to push the GOP through. Add to that his onerous contract demands – constantly revisiting Roe v. Wade, opposing equal rights for gays and requiring tax-free mega-churches – and it becomes clear it is long since time to cut this unseemly diva before he poisons the locker room any more than he already has.
Hawks: Fifteen years is a helluva long career and it’s time for the war hawk to hang up his cleats. After trashing Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Libya, Yemen and who knows where all else over the last decade-and-a-half, it’s clear the GOP has gotten all it can out of him. Granted, the hawks think it’s time to lace them up for another go in the middle east, this time for an intermural against ISIS, but such is typical of aging stars who don’t know they’re long since past their prime. And, given his gaudy contract, $575B last year alone, cutting him now would free up a lot of space under the cap for new signings.
Gun Compromisers: Yep, the current quarterback, Donald Trump, will be out at the end of the season and most won’t be sad to see him go. Anyone willing to violate a citizen’s due process and second amendment rights has no place on this team. Anyone else who offers any sort of compromise on any new gun laws at all needs to be shown the door.
Drug Warriors: How this guy hasn’t been cut at some point in the 45 years he’s been on the team is beyond me. Almost no one else in the locker room has ever been able to stand him, and the amount of cap space his contract eats up is beyond gaudy. As unpopular as he is among teammates, most of the fans literally hate him with passionate fury. Add to that his off-field issues with guns and violence and it’s obvious he needs cut.
Scouting report:
Millennials: If the GOP is going to sign this guy, they’ll need to make sure they’ve cut Evangelical Christians and Drug Warriors first, otherwise there will be locker room issues. This will be a tough signing as his contract demands are many and varied and he’s often confused as to what he’s supposed to be doing or what he even wants. There is no denying the potential future impact, however, and getting him before the Democrats lock him down will be key for the future.
Libertarians: Turns out this guy is way bigger than the GOP thought and signing him will be even tougher than will be getting the Millennials to training camp. He’s apt to hold out unless his contract conditions are met, so, the GOP will really need to consider making some big changes at the front office if this is going to work. Also, it goes without saying that the aforementioned cuts will all need to have been made to avoid a very tense locker room. However, this guy is off the charts on his Wonderlic score and could be a real game-changer. The GOP isn’t in much danger of losing him to the Democrats, but if they don’t lock him up, he may just sit out the season again.
Alt-Right: The GOP invited Alt-Right to work out at training camp this pre-season and was apparently impressed enough to buy his rights despite not signing him outright. The only guy he really gets along with is the quarterback, who won’t be there next year anyway. He’s not very big despite being very noisy and is a complete ass in the locker room. Pass on this guy.
Full-Time Workers: It’s hard to believe this guy is still out there on the free agent wire, but there he sits. A cagey veteran with unquestionable tenacity, he’d be a huge boon and could single-handedly put the GOP over the top if they could get him signed. His contract demands would require some changes in the front office – language would need to be changed to reflect a shift in taxing and spending priorities. The Democrats are always trying to dupe this guy into signing with them, and might just succeed if the GOP doesn’t move swiftly and decisively.
If the GOP doesn’t make some significant changes, the 2018 season is going to be a bloodbath, never mind 2020.
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