Satire by Kyle A. Lohmeier
Last week, ancient Irish pop-rockers U2 announced the delay of their upcoming album as a protest against the American presidency of Donald J. Trump – a move likely to disappoint millions of fans, including tens of people who like both Donald Trump the music of U2. A few days later, guitarist The Edge said the band was threatening to cancel the album altogether unless Trump resigns the presidency.
“This sucks,” Dale Sneed told The New Mercury while affixing a pole bearing a massive American flag to the trailer hitch of his pickup as he and his family prepares to head to Washington to watch Friday’s Inauguration. “Those guys are like, my conscience, ya know? I was really looking forward to seeing their new one pop up on my iPhone free again,” Sneed added, wiping away the foam from his just-opened can of Pabst Blue Ribbon with his confederate flag T-shirt. “I mean, I get carried away with consumerism, ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ and all that, just like most folks. Bono, his voice ‘n’ his words? I mean, they just keep me grounded; he’ll remind y’all what’s real important.”
U2 has apparently inspired other bands to join their cause.
“In standing in solidarity with my brothers from Ireland, I’m announcing the indefinite delay of our upcoming fifth studio album,” said Maynard James Keenan, frontman for the band Tool, whose fans have been waiting for more than a decade for the follow up to their 10,000 Days album.
“I was pretty sure the album was never coming out anyway,” said Steve Blankenship, a long-time fan of the band upon hearing the news of Keenan’s announcement. “But, if this is actually Trump’s fault, well, then, I’m glad I stayed home election night like most people did.”
With Tool now on board, the protest movement is gaining momentum. Sources have confirmed that George Michael will remain dead during the entirety of Trump’s presidency – though whether or not this was protest or biological reality couldn’t be verifiably ascertained.
“Even if he could (rise from the dead), and if anyone I know could, it would have been George; it’s safe to say he wouldn’t. Not with that bastard in The White House,” said Elton John, a long-time friend of Michaels’.
Many protest movements end up creating some strange bedfellows, and this one is no different. To fill the musical void left by U2, Tool and others, veteran neo-Nazi punk rockers Skrewdriver were planning on reuniting for a tour that eschewed their native England and Germany for a series of exclusive dates across the southern United States. They too have canceled their plans to protest Trump.
“I dunno, the time just felt right for a reunion tour” said founder/singer/guitarist Ian Stuart Donaldson. “We were gonna do the entire ‘White Rider’ album front-to-back for the first time since ‘88. Then Trump has a meeting with that kaffir Kanye West with that race-traitor whore wife of his, so, fuck that. We’re joining U2 in protesting the Trump presidency.”
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