Fun-poking by Kyle A. Lohmeier
It’s occurred to me that I’ve been staring at this screen, fingertips poised over the keys, for quite some time now. It appears that a most rare occurrence has taken place – I am at a loss for words.
Seriously, just how does a comprehensively jaded, terminally jaundiced anarchist respond to the news of President Obama presenting Vice President Joe Biden with the “Presidential Medal of Freedom, With Distinction,” the last bit an extra-layer of honor previously only awarded to Pope JP2, General Colin Powell and President Ronald Reagan?
For what it’s worth, i.e. not much, the Presidential Medal of Freedom is the highest honor the government of the United States can bestow upon a civilian. There appears to be no criteria for earning one, however.
“’I wanted to get some folks together to pay tribute to somebody who’s not only been by my side for the duration of this amazing journey,’ (said) Obama during a special, last-minute ceremony at the White House, ‘but somebody who has devoted his entire professional life to service to this country,’” reads a graph in Dylan Stableford’s Yahoo News story about the surprise ceremony for Biden.
Indeed, Biden hasn’t had a productive, private-sector job since at least 1973 when he was first sworn in as a senator; a cushy, easy, useless job he’d go on to hold for the next 36 years and 13 days before getting the only easier job on Earth, that of Vice President. Naturally, this puts Biden on par with a man who oversaw a successful-if-unjust war, the head of a major world religion and a former real president that people actually liked.
In verbally fellating Biden for his “service,” Obama tried to find some accomplishments he could point to.
“Obama told Biden he was giving him the award in honor of “’your faith in your fellow Americans, for your love of country, and for your lifetime of service that will endure through the generations,’” Yahoo reported.
“Faith in your fellow Americans?” What does that even mean, coming from a big-government statist who can’t trust Americans to handle their own health insurance needs? “Lifetime of service that will endure through the generations? Yeah, I guess with 36 years in the Senate, he’s been around long enough to have voted on many of the laws that have totally screwed up this country and its economy. Thanks, Joe.
Curiously absent from that brief-but-comprehensive list of Biden’s “accomplishments” was his only real contribution to society in well over 40 years: the huge stack of hilarious memes that he’s been featured in. Something about picturing Biden just off-screen in a karate outfit ready to pounce on Donald Trump while he talks to Obama still makes me chuckle, that one is among my favorites; along with all the ones referencing “Home Alone” booby-traps.
Yes, I guess this is it; this is the only rational way to respond to this news story, laughter; hideous, near-mirthless, rather-mad-sounding laughter. Seriously. Looking at this government and the shit it does, I feel just like Tom Hanks’ character in The Money Pit when the bathtub falls through the floor. Hanks himself is a 2016 recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom, as was Bruce Springsteen, Lorne Michaels, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Michael Jordan, among others, all of whom have contributed materially more to society than any senator-turned-vice-president is capable of. Hell, “The River” alone eclipses all of Biden and Obama’s lifetime accomplishments and is only slightly less-depressing than what Obama and Biden have done to the United States.
Leave a Reply