Tongue-in-Cheek by Kyle A. Lohmeier
Dear Hollywood / News Media,
In light of the ongoing purge of those who engage in sexual harassment in the workplace, I humbly submit my headshot for your consideration.
No, I’m not handsome. No, I’m not very tall either. Yes, that’s all the hair I’ve got. Yes, my BA in broadcast and cable production and minor in journalism come from a “directional school.” Yes, I have a face for radio and a voice for print.
I have, however, never once groped a co-worker or otherwise sexually harassed anyone. I’ll confess here that the most off-color comment I ever uttered in a workplace while in a woman’s presence was to describe a chief of police attempting to type on a keyboard as being like “watching a caterpillar trying to hump a crinkle-cut french fry – you can tell what it’s trying to do, but you’re the only one who can see it’s not working out.”
That alone would make me qualified enough to host NPR’s “On Point,” I should think.
Add to that the fact I only lost my fantasy league’s championship by a few points last year, and I think I can step in for Marshall Faulk here. I did play the game in eighth and ninth grade and recorded exactly one career QB sack as a nose tackle. So, I can bring that player’s perspective to the NFL Network’s analysis while simultaneously not sending dick pics to the wardrobe stylist.
In addition to never having raped anyone, I happen to actually enjoy beef a lot – and I’m not a creepy Scientologist. Someone’s going to have to trade barbs with Ashton Kutcher on “The Ranch,” and I humbly submit myself as Danny Masterson’s replacement.
Granted, any one of those jobs would leave me very little time to write this blog, but, that is a sacrifice I’d be willing to make in exchange for a paycheck. Interested producers are welcome to contact me. I have open availability for auditions and read-throughs.
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